so my car is totalled.
i was driving through an intersection where i had a green light and i glanced over to my left and this red dodge intrepid was just speeding toward me. first reaction: shit this is NOT happening. second reaction: must honk horn so she gets out of the way. third reaction: i need to MOVE.
yeah. didn't have time for any of those. she just bashed right into the side of my car. i spun across the intersection, almost a 360.
i am NOT dealing with this well. i've never been more angry in my entire life, i'm somehow turning it into my fault because if i'd gotten out of the way i would still have a car, i'm afraid to ever drive again (like i didn't have enough issues with it before?!), and i'm frustrated because no one understands. yes i'm glad i'm alive. obviously. but i am alive which means i've got a lot of shit to deal with now. and it's one of those experiences that you can see someone go through and be like, "wow, that's shitty," but until you're in it, you don't realize just how shitty it is.
i'm still sore as hell (this happened on tuesday), i might not be able to get another car and if i do, i might have to pay an extra couple thousand, depending on how much insurance money i get, i'm afraid to drive, i keep replaying the instant she hit me in my head, i'm pissed as all hell, i'm one of those people who gets extremely attached to their car so i'm immensely saddened by that. it all just sucks.
i was trying reallyreally hard to not care. i cried and freaked out right after it happened but then i refused to cry whatsoever. then i had a complete breakdown last night so maybe denial really doesn't work (don't quote me on that, though).
i want nothing more than for these next few months to be OVER. shit, i just want it to be, oh, januaryish.
the origina point of this entry was this - if you or anyone you know is selling a decent car, preferably 1995 and newer, LET ME KNOW.
i never write in here.
but i'm going insane.
i know most people are so sick of hearing it, but i haven't written anything here in months so maybe i have a fresh audience for my bitching. maybe no one checks my xanga & my insanity is news to you. that'd be superb, really.
but i mean, damn. i'm losing it. the second one thing gets solved, i start stressing about another. this isn't normal stress, either. it's the kind of stress i can't get rid of no matter how tired i am or how much fun i'm having or whatever. i feel like the only way to make my mind turn off is to be drunk, but i haven't even had a drink since june and given the events of that night, i shouldn't ever again. effing michigan. god i know how to screw things up!
i deal (sort of, for the most part) with the internship issue. i mostly deal with the roommate issue. and then i start freaking out about debt that i'm not even in. debt i won't be in for another year. i don't know how to deal with it then, though, and my parents won't tell me if they're going to give me money after this year. i can graduate in a year or i can take on a minor and be more educated and not have to grow up as soon but be in debt, or maybe NOT be in debt but NO ONE WILL TELL ME. no one believes that it's important NOW but it is. i sound like a five-year-old.
i am so craving conversation. bonding with new people. bonding with anyone, period. i miss so many people, one of which is in iraq and i haven't heard from him in over a MONTH. and i miss friendships that just aren't the same. there are so many people i wish i could've been friends with but i made an idiot of myself or never tried talking to them or just never really TRIED, period.
i don't know why i get in these effing moods. it's the stress. it's whatever disease makes me dead tired by eight every night. it has to be something out of my control because my god, if this is my fault i don't know how to live with myself.
give me a few months and i will be an alcoholic living in a box on the ave. just you wait.
winter quarter 2005 is officially done for me. thank you lord.
i am turning over a new leaf next quarter, damn it. i'm going to actually be happy for the first time since, oh, august? that'd be nice.
i'd really like to be drinking alcohol right now.
it's extremely strange to realize that the ideas you have based your life and personality around were really just in your head the entire time.
the comma went away.
i am losing my mind & i still have no idea what to do about that.
i haven't updated this since november 29th. good god.
since then: christmas + new year's = ohio. didn't get to see justin. as usual, briefly entertained thoughts of moving back. came home early to spend a week with the boy. school started & i briefly entertained the idea of dropping out because my classes were beyond my comprehension. turns out, two of them are all about things i learned in high school (go figure math098 is something i've already learned) & the other is obscenely boring & poorly explained. applied to a major. broke up with the boy (so much harder than i thought; i know it was only three days ago this time but it hurts like fuck). best friend is being stalked. have no social life. hate the dorms. etcetcetcetc.
but it's sunny & has been since yesterday. that's almost enough.
note to self: stop torturing yourself with the high school experience you never had & the college experience you are not having.
in other news, i am going to turn into my mother. i probably already have.
and p.s. you were never worth it anyway & i love you for that because it gives me an excuse not to care. this goes for a lot of people. ahem.
no, really, things are fine.
i've discovered the mentality of "this too shall pass" because it will. i am impatient, but i can wait. i have no other choice, do i?
dear everyone in my life,
please stop joining the military. it makes me sad. thank you.
i want so much more out of life. i know what i want; i see it in other people, i read it, i hear about it. i just don't know where to get it.
i would be happy if everyone i loved would stop leaving me. if everyone i loved would just stay put, or come live here, or something, i would be happy. i hate how the people i love the most, the people who actually love me back, are the people i see monthly, yearly, even less than yearly.
something really, really needs to change. i just wish i knew what. or how.
i think i just need friends.